woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
not ubering you a puppy
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize