yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
