even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
