I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Randomize
