she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
