I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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