If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
