Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
