girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
how drunk are you?
Several
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
