I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize