someone threw a dead crab at me
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Are my feet made of real feet?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
