Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
