Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
