just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
