I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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