I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
