Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
You left your phone here
Wait...
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
