fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
pop tarts are not kleenex
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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