it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
