Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
