I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
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