Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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