We won't sleep together?
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
