I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
