So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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