He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
