I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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