I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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