Got a toothbrush?
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
The power of my boobs compel you
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
