no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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