Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Randomize
