70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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