i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
He better not be in your backpack
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
