i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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