She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Randomize
