There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
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