Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize