My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
