I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
