i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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