He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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