do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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