how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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