non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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