i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
We're too hungover to prance.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Randomize
