then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
