Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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