3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
