It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
