also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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