smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
