I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
