I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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