I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Randomize
