Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
