well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
