If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
