So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I take back everything I said about communal showers
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize