My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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