Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize