you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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