I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
