My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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