Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
