South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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