I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
