I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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