Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
