no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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