Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I did not marry a roomba.
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