Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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