life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
