Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
