they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
