I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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