you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
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