i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
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