the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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