When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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